Monstrous Advice

2008 November 20
by Stupid Ranger

Surprise!! I’m still around, but with the move, I’ve been a little busy lately.  I hope you all didn’t miss me too much! With the holidays, I’m sure things will be a bit chaotic around, but I’ll try to be here more often for you!

I had one of those blog moments… when you read someone else’s blog, and it sparks an idea that sinks into your brain and rattles around until you decide to do something about it.  Shelly Mazzanoble posted a funny and insightful look at the fact that geek girls do not often fit the general profile for popular women’s magazines, especially the advice columns.  And it got me to wondering what kinds of letters would be submitted to monster women’s magazines.  Here’s what I think we might see:

Dear Popular Monster’s Magazine:

My awesome monster boyfriend has invited me to move in with him.  I’m really excited, because he’s so awesome, but his cave is less than fabulous.  He works in a dungeon as an adventurer-control technician, and he is always bringing home bones and armor fragments that he leaves all over.  Worst of all, he brings home every wand he comes across, and they are just sitting a pile in the main room of his cave.  It’s a disaster!  I’m afraid that if I try to organize his collection, he’ll be mad.  I really want this to work because I think he might be The One. Please, can you tell me what to do about the mess?

Monstress in Love

And for the monsters getting ready for their big wedding day:

Dear Modern Bride-Zilla:
My future monster-in-law is driving me crazy!  She insists that the wedding should be in the old-fashioned swamp instead of the up-scale dungeon my fiance and I both want.  She thinks all the bridesmonsters should carry swamp weed bouquets instead of the stink blossoms I want.  We are not getting along, and my fiance wants to give in to all her demands.  How do I find the right balance without compromising on my dream wedding and not alienating my future monster-in-law?
Worried about the Wedding
2 Responses leave one →
  1. Noumenon permalink
    November 20, 2008

    Dear Monstrous in Love:

    You need to realize that your boyfriend is a monster, and monsters need big piles of loot lying around the place. A monster that’s not defending a big pile of loot is saying, “Look at me, I’m not even worth trying to kill and take my stuff.”

    Now, you can work around this tendency with better organizational skills. For your boyfriend’s messy wand collection, consider a Tenser’s Floating Hedgehog pincushion-style holder. The bones and armor fragments, instead of cluttering up your living room, can be deployed outside the entrance to your lair. With the right eye to design and sense of style, you might even get people thinking it’s a rock garden.

    Popular Monster’s Magazine

  2. Stupid Ranger permalink
    November 20, 2008

    LOL! That was perfect!!

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