Deadland Tales: Rocky Mountain Oysters, Weird West style…

2010 December 14
by Dante

We were stuck in the bowels of Lost Angels, helpin’ an acquaintance find his lost buddy when some bad varmits got the drop on the ol’ Starr Gang.  I got separated from the group thanks to my insides briefly becoming outsides thanks to a deadeyed bandit and his Colt .45 Peacemaker.  Thanks to all them extra meals and a little bit of luck, I was only shot in the guts enough to take me halfway to the Reaper and was able to drag myself inside an old boarded up mercantile to escape death’s icy grip for a few more minutes.

That’s the thing about fightin’ with the Book of Hoyle on your side… sometimes the cards just plain don’t come up your way.  I’d already expended what little favor I had gained with the manitou that sits on the other side of the shade from me, and I couldn’t catch a break.  The last failed attempt at hexslingin’ fried me so bad I can’t even bring myself to handle my deck of cards right now, but that’s a story for another time.

After the ruckus quieted down outside my hideout, I was able to wrap up my wounds enough to go out searchin’ for the rest of my gang.  I came around the corner and that’s when I saw one of the damnedest sights I’ve ever seen… my cousin Dustin, writhin’ around on the ground like the Devil himself had him by the ears.  Then I saw why… he’d been shot bad.  He’d seen the bad end of another Peacemaker, and this one got him… well… polite company calls it the unmentionables, but others call ’em Rocky Mountain Oysters, Juevos Rancheros, the ol’ Family Jewels.  And they was shot plumb off.

He was lucky to be alive, but all the same it’s hard to console a man whose manhood was now a fine paste on the boardwalk in front of a saloon.  I was able to wrap him up enough to prevent him from dyin’, but they’ll be callin’ him Stumpy from here on out.  Life in the Weird West is a bitch sometimes.

This post was brought to you by our weekly Deadlands game, some really poor die rolls, a desire to write character fiction, and the letter W.  Please stay tuned for your standard programming, already in progress.

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