BREAKING: Dave “The Game” Chalker Retires From Blogging Amid Sex Scandal

APRIL 1, 2010 – Baltimore, MD – In a shocking turnaround from his victory at the 2010 PAX DM Challenge, Dave “The Game” Chalker of the Ennie-nominated blog Critical Hits has announced his retirement from RPG blogging amid allegations that he has a girlfriend. Reports keep flooding in, but one thing is clear: not only has he spoken to a girl, but has probably touched one as well. Waves of panic shot through the community yesterday evening as rumors flooded throughout the RPG Bloggers Network. “Disgusting.” remarked one reader, who has asked to remain anonymous. “His age is not divisible by 7, so he can’t even use Pon Farr as an excuse for his behavior.”

The drama continued through the evening as Critical Hits’ advertising sponsors began to leave. Evony was first, their legal department sending a curt email that said simply “We cannot be associated with real women. Only ones from stock photographs. This news not make us feel like King.” This morning, Mr. Chalker made a public statement to the press:

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, have worked with me, always supported me. Now, it is obvious that I have failed my INT check, and my only recourse at this point is to shoot for Diplomacy (and perhaps Bluff).

My behaviour has caused considerable worry to my business partners, to everyone involved with my blog, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors — and most importantly, the young nerds we’ve reached. Our work is more important than ever. I have long been a champion of Cooties Awareness, and despite this lapse of willpower I will continue to fight Cooties wherever it rears its vanilla-scented head.

I owe it to my readers to become a better nerd with fewer social skills. That’s where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is worshipping Pelor, who is fictional. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised to worship Pelor since high school and I actively practised my faith from adolescence until I drifted away from it in recent years. Nothing repels chicks like telling her you can’t visit her parents because it’s a fake deity’s holy day.

Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. I want all you to look into this neuralizer for a moment, and forget all of this ever happened.
Thank you.

The latest rumors are that Mr. Chalker’s mystery woman may have stolen some of his powers somehow and may even be able to speak our language. More news as it happens.