BREAKING: Dave “The Game” Chalker Retires From Blogging Amid Sex Scandal

2010 March 31

APRIL 1, 2010 – Baltimore, MD – In a shocking turnaround from his victory at the 2010 PAX DM Challenge, Dave “The Game” Chalker of the Ennie-nominated blog Critical Hits has announced his retirement from RPG blogging amid allegations that he has a girlfriend. Reports keep flooding in, but one thing is clear: not only has he spoken to a girl, but has probably touched one as well. Waves of panic shot through the community yesterday evening as rumors flooded throughout the RPG Bloggers Network. “Disgusting.” remarked one reader, who has asked to remain anonymous. “His age is not divisible by 7, so he can’t even use Pon Farr as an excuse for his behavior.”

The drama continued through the evening as Critical Hits’ advertising sponsors began to leave. Evony was first, their legal department sending a curt email that said simply “We cannot be associated with real women. Only ones from stock photographs. This news not make us feel like King.” This morning, Mr. Chalker made a public statement to the press:

Good morning, and thank you for joining me. Many of you in this room are my friends. Many of you in this room know me. Many of you have cheered for me, have worked with me, always supported me. Now, it is obvious that I have failed my INT check, and my only recourse at this point is to shoot for Diplomacy (and perhaps Bluff).

My behaviour has caused considerable worry to my business partners, to everyone involved with my blog, including my staff, board of directors, sponsors — and most importantly, the young nerds we’ve reached. Our work is more important than ever. I have long been a champion of Cooties Awareness, and despite this lapse of willpower I will continue to fight Cooties wherever it rears its vanilla-scented head.

I owe it to my readers to become a better nerd with fewer social skills. That’s where my focus will be. I have a lot of work to do, and I intend to dedicate myself to doing it. Part of following this path for me is worshipping Pelor, who is fictional. People probably don’t realize it, but I was raised to worship Pelor since high school and I actively practised my faith from adolescence until I drifted away from it in recent years. Nothing repels chicks like telling her you can’t visit her parents because it’s a fake deity’s holy day.

Today, I want to ask for your help. I ask you to find room in your heart to one day believe in me again. I want all you to look into this neuralizer for a moment, and forget all of this ever happened.
Thank you.

The latest rumors are that Mr. Chalker’s mystery woman may have stolen some of his powers somehow and may even be able to speak our language. More news as it happens.

10 Responses leave one →
  1. April 1, 2010

    Is it contagious?


  2. Sam permalink
    April 1, 2010

    It’s a shame the tags are first, and in alphabetical order. Hard not to notice them (or at least the first one) BEFORE scanning the article.

  3. April 1, 2010

    I see what you did there. Well done sir. Well done.

  4. April 1, 2010

    Rumors that I have, in fact, moved out of my mom’s basement will be addressed in a future press conference.

  5. April 1, 2010

    @Sam: Yeah, that was a little disappointing. Perhaps I can fool the people reading us over RSS? 🙂

    To be honest, I’m a little glad the April Fools-ness of the article is visible from space. With my luck, this will end up the #1 search result for “Dave Chalker”…..

  6. April 1, 2010

    I finally have the place all to my own and I’m going to make it 100% about Burning Wheel now.

    Also this article needs more Chatty and less Chalker. I was hoping that our falling out would remain professional but said girl he allegedly touched happened to be a picture of my wife I showed him on my cell phone. I will not coexist in a universe along such perversity.

    Now if I could just find my banana pants.

  7. April 1, 2010

    It’s okay if she was mail-ordered from Russia. Was she mail-ordered from Russia?

  8. April 1, 2010

    Yet another of my idols felled by their own hubris.

  9. April 1, 2010

    If you move out of your mom’s basement, the world will cease to exist! And I’m sorry about telling the press about this. I was hoping it would lead to my victory in the DM Challenge, but somehow you got them to wait until afterwards for the big reveal. You are a worthy foe.

  10. April 1, 2010

    I just knew something was off about him as soon as we met at PAX. I tried to ignore it, I told myself, “No, that’s just the scent of victory you’re smelling.” But no. It was a girl.

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