Five Ways I Know I’m Not an Elf…

2008 July 7
by Dante

I took some of my first vacation time over the past week, and I had the dubious honor of spending most of that week in the yard tending to tasks that had been neglected for Far Too Long.

Therefore, I present to you the five ways I know I’m not an elf:

  1. I hate being outdoors on my vacation!!
  2. I desperately hate bugs. It is pretty satisfying hitting a water beetle with a shovel though.
  3. I find it difficult to revere the root system of a tree or bush. The symbolism of its tenacity does not endear me to it when my hands are blistered and cut from removing said trees or bushes.
  4. The tapestry of obscenities I wove while removing said bushes and trees alone probably precludes me from inclusion in the elven race.
  5. I got horrifyingly sunburned on my first day outside. When was the last time you saw a sunburned elf that didn’t have glue-on plastic ears at GenCon?
3 Responses leave one →
  1. David permalink
    July 7, 2008

    On the other hand, you may be the tallest, whitest, skinniest dwarf I’ve ever seen.

  2. Noumenon permalink
    July 7, 2008

    6. When you trance, you don’t feel rested. Probably because of all those people behind you with their car horns.

  3. Dave The Game permalink
    July 7, 2008

    Every time I’ve tried watching on top of snow, surfing down an elephant’s trunk, or re-rolling my attack roll, something stops me.

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