The D&D Diaper Bag

2008 April 25
by Vanir

Since recently becoming the father of a rather large and excellent baby boy, I have not had much time to write D&D stuff. Or play D&D. Or play anything aside from “wipe the butt”. The first weeks were not easy and took a lot of adjustment. And since I was doing a lot of sitting in a dark nursery burping a newborn trying to figure out how to cope, it wasn’t a real surprise when I started to wonder how people in a D&D setting would do things in my position. Thusly, I present to you the fruits of my sleep-deprived brain:

The contents of (the dreaded) D&D DIAPER BAG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

  • Diapers (of Holding)

    Not so much absorbent as they are simply incredibly roomy, these should be changed at least daily lest the baby be tipped in an unfortunate direction rendering one’s residence a good likeness of the Augean Stables.

    Much like the difference between brands of disposable diapers, Diapers of Disintegration may also be purchased for a premium. Parents who can afford these are reportedly considerably happier.

  • Scroll – Sleep

    As many of these are purchased as one can afford, and they are used on both baby and parents alike.

    At least until the FDA (Fantasy Drug Administration) determines whether Sleep spells are habit-forming or have harmful developmental effects on infants. (But they’ll just turn around and decide something different two years later anyway.)

  • Scroll – Unseen Servant

    Perfect for when kobolds attack, you specialize in the two-handed sword, and you really need someone to burp the baby.

  • Scroll – Silence, 10′ Radius

    Almost as much of a staple as the Sleep spell, this lowers the DC of successfully letting your baby cry himself to sleep by 25. It also temporarily eases the heavy INT,WIS, and Diplomacy penalties on both exhausted parents resulting from bouts of incessant screaming.

  • Breast Milk Golem

    Available only to the very wealthy, this golem has magnificent breasts that lactate upon utterance of a command word. Shrinks to pocket sized when not in use. Tirelessly feeds and burps babies through the night, allowing the parents to sleep. Frequently kept even after children are weaned by adventurers who are single fathers for “sentimental” reasons, though their full functionality is not typically utilized at this point.

    Also, I just wanted to say “Breast Milk Golem”.

  • Cloak of Invisibility

    Advanced Peek-A-Boo. ‘Nuff Said.

4 Responses leave one →
  1. Jason permalink
    April 25, 2008

    Fan-freaking-tastic. The funny thing is that my PCs have an infant who just so happens to be their lord and the last in his line. I am snagging that diaper of holding.

  2. thak permalink
    April 28, 2008

    After going through 18 months of no sleep with my oldest son, I can definitely empathize with your situation. We were trying to follow Dr. Sears’ method, which failed miserably.

    With our second son, we went with the Ferber method, and within a week…magic.

    You can find Ferber’s book on Amazon, here:

    You shouldn’t really try it until the child is over four months old, but damn, if it didn’t save my marriage. And my kids’ lives. 🙂

  3. Stupid Ranger permalink
    April 28, 2008

    I would add a scroll of prestidigitation for entertainment purposes… invaluable when you’ve lost a toy.

  4. Adrian permalink
    May 2, 2008

    That is the funniest thing I have read for quite a while.

    That is until I started shaking and crying, wondering where I can buy one.

    Soon to be father… only 12 weeks to go,

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